Monthly Archives: August 2007

Kirby Kindheart

I wish I could actually post this song, but unfortunatly finding kids songs online is a bit difficult. It’s by Steve Weeks and the girl I nanny for listens to it and I think it’s great. Oh hey you can hear the chorus here! but beware.. its damn catchy.

Kiki Kangaroo
Likes to bounce around
Kicks her heels up
You can not hold her down
She won’t be in one place long
Waitin’ ’round for you

Good luck keeping up with
Kiki Kangaroo

Now Kenny Keepsake came to Kiki Kangaroo
He said, “Kiki I have a brand new rope I’d like to give to you”
“Tie it ‘round your waist and you will never stray again.”
“If you’d just quit this bouncing ‘round, I’ll keep you close at hand!”

Kiki said, “Thank you kindly, but don’t you see?”
“I am not a kite, going nowhere, tugging on a string”
“When the wind comes callin’, it fills me up inside”
“I gotta cut lose, blow across the countryside”.

REPEAT CHORUS

Now Kyle Keyring came to Kiki Kangaroo
He said, “Kiki I have a job that I’d like to offer you”
“Come and cook my dinner, and I’ll pay you handsomely.”
“If you’d just quit this bouncing ‘round, you can come and work for me!”

Kiki said, “Thank you kindly, but don’t you know?”
“I’m not a kettle to be kept upon some kitchen stove.”
“With all this Life boilin’ up inside of me”
“I gotta whistle ‘cross the fields and let off a little steam”.

REPEAT CHORUS

Now Kevin Kingly came to Kiki Kangaroo
He said, “Kiki I have a home for you.”
“Come live in my castle, and I will keep you safe.”
“If you’d just quit this bouncing ‘round, you’d have a place to stay!”

Kiki said, “Thank you kindly, but I must turn you down.”
“I am not a kingdom you can draw your lines around”
“’Cause when I start to dream of distant lands,”
“My borders will unravel, and I’ll run right off the map.”

REPEAT CHORUS

Now Kirby Kindheart came to Kiki Kangaroo
He said, “Kiki I would not change a single thing about you”
“All that bouncin’ ‘round you do, it don’t bother me at all”
“But next time when you go, will you please take me along?”

“Kiki, I don’t have very much to give.”
“All I really have to offer you is a kiss.”
He put that kiss on Kiki’s cheek that day
And Kiki put him in her pocket, and she just hopped away.

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over the edge

I’ve been writing this in parts over the week and its very disjointed and ineloquent so I will probably continue editing it for a while as its important to me.. but for the curious here you are:

I had been straightedge my whole life. Up until last Sunday I had never tasted alcohol except off my boyfriend’s lips.
After 22 years, what changed? Nothing. Maybe me. I don’t know.

I started calling myself straightedge at 14, when my Mom saw an interview on the subject with Bif Naked on MTV and told me about it. Maybe it was a bit early, I hadn’t drank yet but I wasn’t interested in doing so either. I don’t know why but even in middle school when making friends was so hard I still closed doors by turning down the cool kids’ mystery cocktails when I was lucky enough for them to offer – but finally I had a name for it! A whole community gathering around the lonely concept of a drug-free lifestyle! The information and groups I found on the internet gave me strength.

At 15 I had my first real test when a guy I was interested in told me he could never get close to me if we didn’t drink together. I still never considered drinking, I just got angry that he was trying so hard to change my mind. He was right though, we never got close, even my first mohawk wasn’t enough to hold his interest but this first denial left an impression on me. My young mind wrapped itself around the concept of never being able to understand a person who drinks when you don’t and it stuck. Its at least partially truthful anyway, so it was easy to believe.

Later that year I fell in love for the first time with Shawn, an 18yo punk rocker and alcoholic. Maybe calling him an alcoholic is dramatic, but at 15/16 isn’t everything? The whole relationship was borderline abusive anyway, but the way he kept promising to quit drinking because he loved me so much then the next night when he called me puking made me wonder what I was doing wrong. I tried so hard to give him enough love to take the place of whatever he needed so badly from alcohol but it was never enough. So, through this encounter I felt jealous of and fucking angry at alcohol. There was a line in the sand and everyone I knew had to pick me or it. I made myself a lonely girl.

The next few years everything stayed status quo. I left the 40oz punk scene and couldn’t make it in the hXc world most sXe kids belong in, so I listened to taking back sunday and dated the one other straightedge kid in my town. We went to Denny’s on the weekends and hung out with our small group of friends playing video games and were happy – nothing else was necessary. This was my proof the a straightedge existence could work! I would never have to change my ways! It was fantastic.

Then I left for college.

I went to a few parties my freshman year. It was lonely. I even considered asking a few people if I could bum cigarettes just so I could talk to them. It’s such an easy way to meet people and I resented them for their immediate common interest. For the first time in 4 years I began to question my beliefs, but I was seriously depressed and didn’t want that to be the reason I caved.. so I held onto the edge until at a pre-game at a friend of a friend’s when someone said “you’re straightedge? well collEDGE will fix that! HAHAHA” and just like that I dug my heels back in. Its a pretty silly thing, such a small meaningless encounter.. but my gut reaction of complete disgust and hatred made me remember how I felt deep down. I didn’t want to do it for anyone but me and I wasn’t curious so why should I? Just to meet people? Just to make friends? I knew I could do that anyway.. it just took longer. It would be worth it. A year or two later that same guy snuck my little sister a beer while she was visiting. Asshole.

So, somehow through college I justified not drinking. I had enough problems getting through classes, why add the load extra load that came with drinking? I could hardly afford to eat, why pay extra to drink? I had enough chemical imbalances in my body naturally, why fuck with it further? There were so many reasons, most of which was that I just wasn’t interested. I saw kids weekend after weekend at parties wasted and retarded, cheating on their boyfriends or girlfriends or just hooking up with strangers, puking and pissing all over the place or simply saying hurtful things they didn’t mean to say – they were like animals and I didn’t want to be like them. NOW just to be clear – especially to all my college friends who may read this – I’m not saying everyone at every party was like this but you know it was present and to a straightedge kid currently disgusted with everything alcoholic it was hard to miss, besides you were drunk anyway and you probably didn’t notice it like I did – HAHAJK.
That whole description in itself leads me to the other part of how it was difficult to make friends – people who drink simply do not trust people who don’t. I learned this at the ripe at of 15! And college made it all the more obvious. Drunk people don’t want a sober person to witness their shenanigans, especially one who has never drank before and can’t relate back to a stupid night they themselves had. When I was around people who drink were made to think what I must see them like, and they didn’t like that picture – but they didn’t want to stop drinking! Heavens no! So instead of thinking about what an idiot they were going to be after they downed their booze, they’d rather not have me around. When you’re getting drunk enough to not remember what you’re doing, why would you want someone there who can tell you exactly what you did and how stupid you looked/sounded/were? I get it. I’m not trying to be an asshole here, it just sucked to be ostracized until you could gain a person’s trust enough so they know you’re not constantly judging their every drunken move.

So somewhere along the line, I actually managed to make friends who liked me so much that they didn’t mind if I watched them drink! And these friends, I liked so much sober that I still liked them drunk. And so college went. I eased up on judging people and they liked having me around.

Boyfriends who drank however, that was still a difficult bridge to cross. Really it was anyone I cared about drinking that upset me, best friends included. Ever since Shawn hurt me, I felt that same pang of distrust whenever someone I loved drank. They were the ones with the potential to really hurt me, which I was constantly afraid of anyway.. It broke my heart again and again, but I knew I couldn’t only love straightedge people so I had to work on getting over it. I got better. I met Mark and he smoked and drank and I loved him and I knew I didn’t have the ability to control him. He loved to drink and he never abused it, why should I even try to take that away from him? So, I had to swallow it and deal with it. I had to ignore those pangs as best I could. They lessened with time. It was good for me. Instead of just handling my friends drinking I enjoyed going out with them and being the driver of the drunk bus – it was finally FUN! But as college went on and I lost two more of my straightedge comrades, I had to continually reassure myself that this is what I wanted.

Finally the pressure to drink had lifted, I could really truly decide for myself. I knew I wanted to get out of college first. I didn’t want to ever be a part of that scene drunk – I didn’t trust myself enough to know I wouldn’t overdo it and join in on some overly-stupid stuff. So I’ve been graduated for 3 months now, living in Chicago with a group of my closest friends and Mark all of which drink like grown ups and just enjoy themselves. This is the type of drinking I can understand, this is what I want – but I was still scared, there were still pangs and I still hated alcohol. I knew the only way I could ever begin to mend a relationship with the substance was to try it. I came very close a few times, and then recoiled upon my hate but this past weekend.. I don’t know why now.. but I knew I had to just close my eyes and jump in. It was scary.

I only had one and a half woodchuck ciders while playing uno with a few friends and I only felt it for a small bit, but lifting that bottle to my lips was so terrifying. I’m glad I didn’t overdo it on the first night. It left me curious – this can’t be what the big deal is all about, is it? So the next night at Delilah’s I tried a pineapple vanilla vodka, which was ok, and an amaretto sour which was finally something tasty but I still wasn’t feeling anything major.. so I sucked down another amaretto sour and once I saw the bottom of it, things were a completely different story. I realized I was drunk and started crying. It was different than I had expected, though I don’t know what I was expecting – something evil to posses me I guess, but it was just me, just a little more wobbly a little more friendly with a much stronger desire to shout the ric flair WOOOOO! throughout the bar. It was fun, I couldn’t deny that by any means and I admitted a few times that I had been terribly wrong my whole life – which is quite a bit of an exaggeration.

I’ve tried a few more drinks since those first experiences and I’m still figuring things out. It’s good for me and exciting to be trying new things. I haven’t said no to much – Chubs says that Sarah trying beer is like watching a cat cleaning itself as I tend to try using the salt on my hands and arms to get rid of the taste – effing gross beers. I’m still undecided on how I feel about it overall, I don’t understand why its always been such a big deal or how people blame their dumb party antics on it(but maybe i just haven’t been drunk enough yet), but I’m happy with my choice and I’m trying to keep all doors open for a change.. so far it feels good.

shot yesterday

hollywood holt for has magazine

hells canyon, rilo kiley, and jason anderson

october 2-october 8th

Mark just bought out tickets for our vacation to Seattle/Hells canyon!! We had wanted to drive one way and go through Yellowstone but renting a car turned out fo be way too expensive so we “settled” for hells canyon. I don’t really mind though, the more I look into Hells Canyon the more excited I get! I ordered 2 books about trails out there.. I’m going to have to watch a lot more Man Vs Wild before this trip. Maybe next time Yellowstone.

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This album is lame. Well, it’s good.. for straight up pop music.. but it sounds NOTHING like Rilo Kiley.. I was really excited for their show September 15th but now I have little to no desire to even see them. Rilo Kiley has been one of my top 5 bands since I first heard them at least 5 years ago.. nothing about them has ever dissapointed me until this album. What a bummer 😦 I keep listening to it hoping it will grow on me and I’ll figure out what they were thinking but there is just no depth to this album.

_____

To end on a lighter note – Jason Anderson’s new album is EFFING AWESOME! If you’ve ever been to one of Jason’s shows, you’ll know that this is the best way of capturing his music. The mix of terrific quality production with the live show feel goodness is just the way I love it. Yes he does get a little carried away with the Woah’s! but it’s a small trade off for the feel-good, and fun to have in your head throughout the day. ❤

new

preview for borrowedtime

worse habits

Worse habits than creating project lists that never get worked on involve leaving started projects behind.I have been busy however. I did make a dress off of my list of craftster bookmarks, and sew skinny a pair of purple jeans since colored denim is going to be the next big thing. Unfortunately I have no photographs of said projects since my camera was stolen and my computer will no longer allow me to edit images. I’ll probably use Coco’s computer soon enough. Hold your damn horses.

We went camping last Saturday. Coco, Mark, Colleen, Jason, Roxie and I went to the Indiana Dunes.

family photo

This was our campsite since we got there too late to fit into any of the state or national parks. It was nice enough, we were out of the city anyhow.. the sand was pretty and the water clean. At least it seemed clean compared to the dog park, but there were smoke stacks visible on either side of the beach, it just outside of Gary after all. That night we cooked hot dogs and smores and watched the Perseids meteor shower. Around 4am the wind picked up and it started raining. The freaks next door decided to just pick up and leave nearly running over Coco’s tent in the process. In the morning we made pancakes and Mark ate a pound of bacon. Roxie helped a little. It was all very by the book, minus the kumbaya. Good job friends.

I hope you won’t think less of me for editing pictures into my previous posts.

bad habits

This blog is quickly becoming a list of projects I wish I had the time for.. hopefully I’ll be able to remedy that soon.

I’m back from Florida, and I’m attacking my bedroom. It has been overwhelmingly unlivable – which is saying a lot if you’ve known my living conditions in the past. So I went to ikea and invested in some expensive swedish particle board with hopes of salvaging a peaceful bedroom. That was Saturday, tomorrow I hope to finish the project… or at least get somewhere on it…

But there are so many other projects also demanding my attentions, not to mention my boyfriend and my dog. We went to the beach today- my boyfriend, my dog and I. We saw many dogs pooping in the water we were swimming in.. that made it significantly less fun.. but really when you’re swimming in the lake – what harm’s a little extra poop?

I want to be finishing my websites but I haven’t even started and the truth is I don’t want to be doing them at all – I have a thousand FUN projects I’d rather be doing, but these are the most important projects. Nannying can only cover so much, I NEED these sites to survive. I only have a few more months before the loans start coming and I need to be in business by then. Though I did finally make some sketches on the plane ride.. as well as some oneline drawings that turned out kind of nice. I’m no illustrator but these are fun anyway.

Maybe I should stop making so many lists. On one hand they break things down so I know what steps to take to get things done and crossing off even the smallest of things helps. On the other they get so long they seem impossible to make any progress.

Anyhow, the project currently distracting me from more pressing issues would be this lovely planter;

I hope you have more luck with getting around to doing my projects than me. Maybe if i spent less time surfing the web looking for projects and actually did something with that time I’d get somewhere.. hmm..